to personalize my blog

I used to blog a lot and it would have tidbits of my really personal thoughts and on occasion, it'd get emotional. I haven't blogged like that in years. As you can tell, it's 5am here in Boston and a lot came running through my mind. I've never been much of a positive person and I understand there isn't a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'm the type of person to know what creates a visible rainbow. Yup, no dreaming - just black and white reality. Maybe my personality is not the type that creates smiles and warmth. Despite this, I've been told I have a pretty killer smile. I won my boyfriend's heart with it. haha.
Well, I have a great boyfriend but I can't sleep tonight...
I miss a dear friend of mine whom I've lost touch with for over two years. We were best friends and now, we're less than strangers. It's sad. Everything seems to be a blur to me now but I understand that when you choose your boyfriend(ex) over your best friend, everything rocks the boat. The boat sank and I couldn't fix it. From the day our friendship sank into the endless ocean bottom, my relationships everywhere have began to fail. I lost faith in people. I thought that friendships that go through thick and thin wouldn't end so abruptly and so eagerly. I lost faith in myself as well.
It is clear to me that I have shut myself in for the last two years. Despite having somewhat better relations with my family - it also seems to simultaneously worsen. yeah, I talk to them and see them more often but we're all still merely estranged roommates. My cousins and I used to be quite close. My friends used to call me out more often. I used to chat up the customers at work and was quite popular. I used to look forward to meeting new people.
I've changed and don't know how to become that better person I aspired to be after the worst time of my life. Somehow, a heartbreak and a lost friendship can so easily damage me. I've always been the girl who never showed a care for drama. Now, I'm full of it. Maybe it's all in my head.
My cousin's girlfriend said she admired how forward I can be and how I'm not afraid to meet people. Well babe, beneath it all lies fear, self-doubt, and indifference.
I miss my friend, I miss my old lifestyle, and I wish I can take everything back and put smiley stickers on everything and everyone.
Things have changed and there's no turning back. Life goes on and I think I'll try to make something better a little at a time. I'm no hero - can't go changing everything in one night. What's the point in being depressed? I've learned so much in the last five years but there's a lot of roadwork that needs fixing. Time for change, time for growing up, time to let my pride down.
From today onward, you'll be reading up on the craziness of what I'm actually thinking...maybe.